Euthanasia

May 2021

Essay

It never took me by surprise that people were always dancing around me like a moth to a flame. That’s why I let them burn to ashes. Although I was not satisfied with being loved, I was not craving for love either. Everything aside, my self love was enough to me. The love of others was just enjoyable for me. How can I explain that to you? Sometimes I compared myself to Rafflesia, the world’s largest and most unique flower. Rafflesia is also a parasitic plant, without roots or leaves.

It grows on the roots and stems of lianas and live on their sap, just as I live with the love and care of others. You will never understand this feeling anyway. As I said, it was natural for everyone to love me. Besides my beauty, it was childish game for me to put these flies in a spider web with a smile. With my eyes, I controlled them as if they were marionettes. Yes dear, I was happy in my dystopic world until you entered my life. At first you were like everyone else to me. But then I realized that you and your love don’t smell like this world. For example, when I asked you the reason why you loved me, instead of worshipping me with passion, your answer was “just without any reason” and I heard it for the first time in my life.

Understanding that you loved me more than I did, and perhaps not just because of this, but your pure love made me jealous of this love. I began to be rude to you, but it didn’t affect you as much as a breeze. I hit the roof as I realized your unrequited, unselfish, true love. Your cursed love was making me loathe. This love poisoned me, I wasn’t able to breathe anymore. The last time you told me you could even die for me. Well, why didn’t I think of that before ?! So, I am getting rid of this pain and my disease of whose name I don’t even know.