Poems by HB Rita

February 2021

Poetry

I Won A Disease Lottery

I eventually won the disease lottery
Called ‘Adult on-set Still’s Disease’
I didn’t want it, It just came
It came like a hurricane and
Knocked me down as it uproots the trees and plants
Or you can say an earthquake with it’s vertical movement
Wave me in whole, not a part!
I remember,
when I used to be green with red cherry blossoms
I remember,
how starry nights used to make me smile
And darkness of nature used to push me to walk
Miles or more every night
Today,
I am disabled
I crawled often to get up
Leaning on shoulders for two months
I am not qualified for a normal life
My able was leveled with disability!
Today,
I live with pain, no more green
It’s just yellow and black all I see
It’s Still’s disease that paranoids me
It scares me to think that I won the disease lottery
I do not know what the future holds for me
No body knows
Neither me
Nor my doctors
It is there and will be there for rest of my life
Not easy
Absolutely not!
But one thing I would like to say
Today, is not a matter
Tomorrow is matter
And I promise, I will wear my running sneakers again
I will rush to take my mom to the doctor
I will fake fight with my two gorgeous rabbits again
Still’s disease may knock me down sometimes
But It may not keep me down!

Again

I was waiting to be born again,
But I couldn’t see the forest for the tree!
I was in a darkest sphere with no lights
My heart was beaten to the ground where
I see the ground bursts due to lack of moisture!
Nevertheless,
I was just waiting to be born again.
And I see,
Some yellow jackets are busy spreading poison with penetrating holes
I shouted out! I could not escape!
Again, I fell in the dark and felt that;
darkness is our traditional destination!
Therefore, Isn’t it better to be accepting darkness?
I realized! And I declared to be free
Then, I didn’t wait to be born AGAIN!

How Can You Eat

Anders Breivik, Stephen Paddock
Where aren’t they?
This country, that country
Between you, between me
They have survived the delusional misery everywhere
There are more pigs
Swallowing humanity and judgement
You see people die
You see people are killed
The innocent child of a mother
Flow in the bloodstream valley
You see them dying turning the TV channel on
Or on a news page
You listen to the history of bisected bodies
You see how unknown people are laying dead
But you do not stop
Take a sip of a coffee without any hesitation,
You look for delicious dishes
You forget about the human flesh
You have just seen
You do not stop enjoying eating

I Say, hey!
How can you eat while people are killed?

Home

Let’s make a home
You, I and a group of colored flowers
Dreaming dawn; Dew drops on a flower petals
A few insects, floating life might fall on to spider web
Tune up rain could be on the tin shed
With all, you and I face to face;
one heart in the same circle
Affection puddle on the finger tip
Let fireworks send the message of condolence to the dark
Who cares?
Come on, come on….
Let’s make a home together!

Let’s make a wall inside the our home, Nail to the wall
With water impression, let’s get painted on the wall
Come on, let’s make a home
You I and one simple plate, eat all we deserve
Love each other with a great gratification
To see the tadpole’s cycle of life,
Lets wake up with dreamy eyes
And acknowledge the early morning
Come on, let’s make a home together
You, I and a moment;
Left behind the hundred years old forgotten city
Who cares?
Let’s make a home together!

My Confession Today

Oh My love-
I walked on the same road you walked on
I realized,
My feeling was right
Though, my action wasn’t right!
I started to think
Why all of a sudden my view towards life has changed!
Found nothing but digging the obsession towards you!
My love,
You became a true worship of my living!
Still, nothing can exchange of how rude i was with you!
I felt, from my vein to vein the temptation of love
Was i wrong to be next to you?
Was i mean to be seeking for you?
My love, i am distorted
Broken in to several pieces!
Just to let you know my love
You’r the last thing on my mind tonight
There will be no flashback after today
The day has come to move
I am confessing to you all that i have done wrong
I am leaving forever
Leaving behind all insanity to you to remember me some day!
My love, it hurts
It hurts to leave; hurts to condemn your love!
I find no other way to recover but break down and cry.
But tonight, i am free
Free from pain
Free from tear filled eyes!

Pain

I’m suffering,
You do not understand
Frequent fear of living in pain,
eating my brain everyday
I do not know what the future has set up for me
I do not know how tomorrow’s morning will be like,
I do not know what a day is without pain
How will my bill be paid, uncertain?
Am I losing my physical capacity?
I do not even know
The journey in uncertain darkness increasing my pain levels
No one understand how I am living with pain everyday….
Neither you.

I am shouting with fear
I do not think anyone is listening
I feel I do not have any friends
All the family members have abandoned me
Even the doctors were exhausted changing the medicines
They say, it’s working
You say, this is all in your mind
Stand up, walk and run
You don’t understand where I’m stuck
You will never understand
I am constantly screaming with pain
I am living in a terrible nightmare.

You do not believe that
I am the one who can only measure the depth of pain
Look at me
Listen to me
I am a poor girl turning in to blue in severe pain
Thinking of uncertain recovery, mental disorder is vulnerable
I know there is no way to cure this pain
I also know that there could be a horrific ending for me
Nevertheless, I want you to give me assurance of being who i am
I want you to reward me
Because I’m brave, I am a warrior
I welcome a new morning every day living with pain
Rush to serve the family in the kitchen
Wash the dirty dish bowls
Keep them comfortable
I do everything with intolerable pain
I do not leave anything for later.

You say steroids, morphine will jump me to sleep
You do not agree that every night I’m tired of sleeping down my sleeves
I go back to nostalgia
I think, who was I one day?
I can not match myself today
I feel helpless
I steam so loud and realize
The pain slowly drilled into me, all the way inside
I call on God
I say, O God! Why me? Why it is only me?
He remained unaffected as usual
Therefore, again I fall a sleep in a mutual understanding with pain
The next morning, you judge me wrong looking at my smily face
Because you are not aware of the nightmare i just had
You really do not understand;
I spend every night in fear
Carrying the horrible pain in my body everyday,
I realize, the smell of the human body is disappearing….

Steroid

I said, can I walk?
You smile and raise your hand
I said again, can I walk?
Now you cuddled me
I was then completely stagnant, absolutely stagnant
There was no one to hold hands without you around
I knew you were stupid to believe
But I did act like a fool
Because, people sinking in the ocean caught water hyacinth often
Why?
To live?
Or to survive?
The idea of survival-then unrealistic
People just know they will have to return to the shore
I got lost holding you as my last hope
Slowly my vision began to blurred
How did all my black hair fall?
You know
I see with great frustration,
Physical and mental changes
But you remain in the shape
Not for survival, but to live
I do not know whether i am alive
I can just feel the breath, still active
Steroid – please release me.

Stubborn Girl

I saw a girl, very stubborn
Egocentric with her self-willed mind
She is boring, she could be stimulated to the groups of living thing!
But again,
I can see her catching flies moving through the air
Grabbing materials for worship of life
And putting them together to complete an untidy puzzle:
to connect life with the phenomena of the physical world.
She is brilliant
She is a gift from nature to the distorted world:
She is my angel sister.

The Train

Some people look out the window
While nature transformed in to a dreamland with greens
Some people see the transparent blue sky
covers with clouds
Two sparrows dance with joy
Next to the window where lonely couple are sitting
This is how the train runs everyday
With loads of diversity
Some people take the opportunity to get in
Some lost their way
Sparrows fly out of interest after hunger prevention
Still,
The hopeless people wait for the last train.

Uncontrolled Combustion

The world had been plunged with a luxury dreaming sleep
You, I and the beasts are on the same turnpike
Uncontrolled combustion pushing through the chest
I wake up when close my restless eyes!
Baiby, why can’t i sleep?
Tip toes odorless transparent falling from the clouds
Ugly surface of calculus makes air circulation;
The sense of sight is blurred with tears blocked;
After that, I remember
One day, I wanted much more than I had!
The roar of loneliness which miraculously informed me;
My life right up to the courtyard of the house!
I see flamingos settled near riverside
Unexplained odor in the air,
With pessimism thought I see,
A symbol of death in an empty room!
A silent night in an vacuous heart,
Eternal separation burns there with sleepy eyes!
I wake up every time trying to fall asleep,
Wish to call for death hug!
Baiby, I can’t convince anyone
I wake up every time I go to sleep!
I can’t convince anyone,
The wild blue yonder cries;
Every time I remain silent!
Baiby, I can’t sleep!

What About Us

You have said to be sure to show loyalty to your Lord
Do not argue
Because you are our life’s protector
You have said your creation will glorify the nature
Because you are the best creative creator and
Your creations are surrounded by millions of messengers and your blessings
But we are those unfortunates
who were kicked out of your beautiful garden completely
What will happen to those who fall in the defenseless water?
Millions of souls are hungry, what will happen to us?

We are your eternal beautiful sculptor,
We need a supportive hands on our head
What will happen to us?
We are the deaf people in the freedom of speech
What will happen to us?
We are the bourgeoisie-proletariat class in a capitalist society
chasing each other like mice and cat
Who will stop the exploitation?
We are divided into classes in the fight of equality
What will happen to us?
There is no scope to expand our vision
We are submerged in a deeply confused conscience
What will happen to us?
We are thousands of tortured people who want security
What will happen to us?

You said,
patience is one of the instruments, arrows, soldiers that never gets distracted
You said,
‘Oh my children who believe in me!
Be patience and hold a firm actions of the challenges’
You also said,
‘And be patience! Surely Allah is with you’
Oh Omnipotent! Oh Lord!
We are those who are constantly absorbed- we rise with questions
We are those who persevere in your mercy
We are impatience
What will happen to us?

Wrong Equation

I was standing in the gray section of my life
Overwhelmed, Extremely devastated
Hunting in search of light in a misleading life
I was then acting as a wild predator
One day, I was walking freely, purposeless
In the meantime, I met a handsome young man
Tidy clothes, walking with a limp
He looked at me,
It seems like he knows me already
I asked, who are you?
“I’m a happy man” he replied
Why are you limping then? I asked
“My leg have been sick! I cut one off”
But you said you are happy-I murmured
The young man smiled and said,
“I removed the disease! I can at least walk, isn’t it enough? ”
I was astonished
It felt ashamed to think,
I’ve been searching for happiness behind the scene, worthless.

I walked a bit further
I felt someone is calling me back
I looked back
Someone with tangled hair was looking at me
I said, what do you want?
The man gave me a dead look with a fish eye
I startled
The man came close to me
I step back with his appearance and said,
What do you want?
Without saying a single word
He moved forward to the dustbin
Started looking for food
I came to know the wholeworld is starving with hunger!

Then I walked a little further
A girl wearing a veil was sitting beside her mother
Next to the tree on the street
The mother saw me passing by and yelled,
“Give me some money! We haven’t been eating anything for past two days”
I looked at her with sympathy and compassion
The girl looked uncomfortable
She kept pulling her veil to hide her face
I realized, one part of her face is completely burnt
I asked the mother, what happened to her face?
Tears weeping mother said,
After rape, acid was thrown on her face!
I see life then with a different perspective
I see transitional clouds shattered with the fear of vultures!
Therefore, I removed the wet clouds from the sky of my mind.

On the way home I wondered,
Searching for the contentment and gratification
I forgot the whole world is filled up with sickness
Living with a secured life, yet
Judicial extravagant mind cries for more
We see only the cloud of tears in the happy world
We do not see how the tears-shed fertile the land
Therefore again, I beg for forgiveness of Almighty
Once more, I expressed my gratitude to HIM.