Unspoken saga (part-9)

এইচ বি রিতা

November 2021

Art & Literature

Many things happen to us unexpectedly. Even when our lives seem seemingly calm and normal, something unexpected can happen to us, or something can attack our body and mind that we are never prepared for to happen!

Does everything have control, or is there any signal in advance?

People who live unhealthy lives year after year also survive. Again, the person who follows the hygiene rules very carefully has to leave prematurely.

Some people take it for granted, but others search for the reason and determine the cause. This is where science clashes with our beliefs!

The conversation from the medical team was not believed at all for me that day.

The team said that it is an ‘Acute Liver Failure!’-this is a condition in which the function of the liver decreases very rapidly. It usually occurs in a person who does not have any pre-existing liver disease. Acute liver failure is generally caused by the hepatitis virus or the use of drugs, such as acetaminophen. Doctors can say better about more reasons.

Anyway, I was wondering what to say to the medical team that day! I had been in a  gym class regularly for nine years, on an organic food diet, and I was a regular member of kickboxing and dance classes, then how could my liver be a failure! Impossible. I couldn’t believe it.

I was still in bed at North Shore hospital. That was lame! My blood was taken three times a day. Every few hours, the nurses checked on my condition. I had an IV in both my hands and my heart rate was monitored.

I was feeling drained. The knots on my hands were all in pain. I went to Google and read all the information about liver damage, but nothing seemed to scare me!

On that day, with great difficulty, I submitted the last two reports to the editor of Prothom Alo North America. Then, lying on the hospital bed, I let my family know about it. Everyone went to panic. All my relatives, friends were upset! They all rushed to the hospital to see me. All the media workers also came.

Yet, I did not think that something terrible was waiting for me in the future, where the Azrael(messenger of death) and my fight were sure, determined.

The day was July 8, 2019. It was the sixth day of hospitalization with severe pain in the body due to liver failure and a 105-degree fever. There was no rash in the body, but severe chest pain started. This was something that couldn’t be explained. I just kept my hands on the chest. The doctors and nurses could not give me any medicine for pain due to my liver condition. They inserted some tubes on my hands, nose and started monitoring me.

By reading books, we are Muslim religious people who make some assumptions about the punishment of the grave after death. But I realized the punishment myself on that day. I saw something or someone kneeling on my chest!  What a horrible sight! What a pain that was! It was as if someone was trying to crush my chest bones. That pain and scene cannot be recorded in a spot of pen ink. I just realized I was going to die.

At that time, I only remembered my two boys, from childhood until then, all their memories were floating in front of my eyes, how they walked holding my hand, calling me mother with broken words!

As they were a baby, I used to tie one on my back and push the other on a stroller to the park. My boys loved playing basketball and getting ice cream from the ice cream truck! Every time we went to the park, they would run with the ball and enjoy the environment with others. I used to sit on a bench and watch them. They would sit next to me when they got tired, and I would bring ice cream from them. We all would have been delighted.

My kids love to eat pasta, but it has to be my hand-cooked pasta! If others cook it, it is not so tasty to them. I always pack their shoes, socks, and clothes. I shop for everything, whatever they need. They never demand anything expenses from me. They are always satisfied with what I give or provide for their need. From childhood till today, they are the best children in the world!

I was thinking that day; they had no one but me. If I die, who will take care of them! What will happen to them? Who will make pasta for my boys! Who will pack their shoes and socks!

If they get sick, who will they go to? Who will ask for help if they feel bad in the middle of the night!

Thinking all these in an unstable mind, again and again, their innocent face was floating in front of me!

I was not in sorrow thinking of the death; I was in pain to think of leaving my two boys at the wrong time.

It was a terrible time for me. I was thinking, why is my life so limited? My boys still have a long way to go, to finish school and college and get a better job. They grew up without a father. I could not give them a complete tidy life. Do I have to leave today? Why?

I was calling Allah along with tremendous pressure on my chest. There was no sound coming out of my mouth. There were tears in my eyes. I was saying, ‘O my Allah! You see everything; you have seen everything before. I have nothing to explain. I want more time with my children, some more days I want to be in touch with them! They are orphans without me; please Allah have mercy on my children! A few more days, a few more years give to me. There is no one to watch them except me!’

But my chest pain and pressure were not decreasing; it was increasing, and I realized that I was dying!

Being born means falling to death. This death is inevitable. But why this bond of love, fascination, harmony, and love between birth and death? Why are we afraid to uproot even knowing that death is inevitable?

Why don’t we embrace death to solve our daily sorrow, pain, struggle, and bitterness? Is it just worldly illusions? Or disappearing after death is the fear of seeing an uncertain life?

However, I can say that I was not ready to embrace eternal death not for fear of death but for leaving my children alone that day.

At that time, I could not move my whole body, fingers. It felt like someone was pressing and crushing the entire body on the ground. Even then, I was able to send the last text message to my family.

I wrote to them, ‘It hurts a lot, not tolerable. I want to live!’

I wrote all my bank account information to my children and told them to be safe!

I wrote to the editor of my newspaper, ‘Brother! It’s time to say goodbye.’

After four hours, all my organs of the body failed to maintain their function. My body became completely paralyzed. I was put on life support.